Did you marry unequally yoked?
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| Self-portrait as the Apostle Paul (by Rembrandt) (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
It is often painfully clear that when only one of the partners in a marriage becomes a Christian, the potential for biblically defined spiritual growth together as a family can be frustrated or even seem impossible. For example, the believing partner will desire to pray with his or her spouse and to share spiritual concerns. The Christian parent will be confronted with the biblical requirement to rear children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and to model what it means to be a Christian parent. There will also be the desire to experience the emotional closeness and intimacy with one’s mate that can be especially enhanced by a common commitment to Christ, to which any healthy Christian marriage will attest. The arguments and conflict that arise in even the best of marriages will be difficult to resolve from the standpoint of the mutual conciliatory submission called for in Ephesians 5:22ff. if one spouse is not a Christian.
Further, in his or her justifiable desire for the spiritual and emotional benefits that can come from a biblical marriage, the Christian spouse may be tempted to exert a subtle pressure on the unbelieving mate, if not to become a Christian, then at least to participate in such activities as attending church, praying together, or taking part in family devotions. If the wife has become a Christian, there is the tendency to want the non-believing husband to assume the “spiritual leadership” of the household, a task for which he is obviously not particularly qualified. Unfortunately, such pressure can cause the unbelieving partner to resent Christianity and increase the level of family tension that inevitably arises from their different view of things.
Given the biblical prohibition against being unequally yoked in marriage and conditions like those alluded to above, some well-meaning Christians might be tempted to accept the view that a Christian man or woman who is in such a marriage is justified to divorce the unbelieving mate. Indeed, in their zeal to support their argument, they could appeal to Ezra 9–10, contending that this Old Testament incident serves as biblical precedent for divorcing an unbelieving mate. In these chapters of Ezra, we read of Jewish men who had married women outside the covenant community and “sent them away” in a recommitment to God’s covenant with Israel.
Nonetheless, however spiritually sincere a Christian spouse may be in his or her desire to have a truly biblical marriage, the apostle Paul’s discussion in 1 Corinthians 7:12–16 offers a clear biblical stance on this issue. Speaking of marriages where one of the parties becomes a Christian, this text disallows any appeal to the incident recorded in Ezra. In this passage Paul says that if the unbelieving spouse wants to continue in the marriage, the believer should not divorce. Indeed, he goes on to say that the unbelieving partner as well as the family in general can spiritually profit from (be “sanctified by”) the presence of the Christian spouse, and so the marriage must not be dissolved.
Still, the advocate of the biblical right to divorce an unbelieving spouse might counter and insist that Paul’s counsel here is just that, “counsel,” or “advice,” and not a directly revealed commandment since he admits that he is not directly quoting the Lord on this issue (v. 12). However, even in his “advice,” Paul is speaking under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit in his counsel and, consequently, what he says in this capacity is authoritative and therefore binding on the Christian.
Still again, someone might argue that Paul’s prescription to the believer to stay in the marriage is only appropriate if the marriage is a good one. Now it is true that God allows even nonbelievers to have successful marriages. There certainly are marriages between non-Christians where there is a meaningful, loving, and tender bond between the two spouses which continues even when one of the partners becomes a Christian. In these cases, while it may be that such marriages are indeed less than the Christian spouse may desire, the supporters of divorce of unequally yoked spouses admit that the quality of these particular unions makes divorce unjustified.
But, what if the marriage is not what it ought to be? What if there is no mutual loving bond between the partners, especially on the part of the unbelieving spouse? Further, what if the unbeliever wants to stay in the marriage simply because he or she does not want his or her life disrupted by divorce, or is fearful of not being able to remarry, or of professional status being negatively affected?
First Corinthians 7:12–14 does not seem to make an exception for this particular “hard case.” Although the marriage vow in this less-than-desirable marriage was made prior to the conversion of the Christian spouse, the Christian partner’s commitment would still have to stand, indeed, all the more so if one reflects on what the nature of a true Christian witness implies. The original marriage vow was not made “conditionally,” and now that one of the parties is a Christian, there certainly would not be exceptions to the marriage commitment apart from those clearly allowed by Scripture.
It is true that neither the good nor bad instances of a marriage described above would ever be a truly “Christian” marriage, except that the Christian partner is being faithful to his or her biblical responsibilities. No doubt the believing spouse will feel a sense of loss in the marriage, and will probably feel an unfortunate sense of “difference” from couples where both spouses are believers. This can be true in even the most supportive of church fellowships. Nonetheless, the Scriptures do not allow for the believing mate to leave the marriage simply because it is not as “Christian” or as spiritually fulfilling as he or she would like for it to be.
It is indeed heart rending to see unequally yoked couples where one of the partners wants the marriage to develop spiritually and knows that, as long as the other partner is an unbeliever, such growth will not occur. However, the teaching of 1 Corinthians 7:12–14 cannot be taken lightly, and therefore, such couples need all the prayer, support, and encouragement the believing community can give. But even more important, unequally yoked marriage partners need to know that daily, in a deeply intimate way, a sovereign, loving, heavenly Father will honor their faithfulness and oversee their every need.
