What if your divorce was not biblical?
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| Un divorce, roman de Paul Bourget (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Indeed, in considering these questions, it is impossible to give specific answers to each case. Therefore, it is better to follow the way of Scripture and look for principles that will give guidance to those who ask, “What can I do that will honor God and make amends to one whom I have wronged?”
The first problem concerns one’s relationships with God. The Scriptures are clear that the marriage of one man and one women until death is a divine arrangement (Gen. 2:23–24; Matt. 19:4–6; Eph. 5:31). Only God gives the offended party permission for divorce in certain circumstances (Matt. 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:15). Marriage is God’s covenant (Prov. 2:17), and the one who divorces unbiblically offends the honor of God.
There are two extremes to be avoided. There are those who view divorce as an unpardonable sin. To them it is unthinkable that any divorced person could have a meaningful relationship with God or His people. Then there are antinomians for whom an illegitimate divorce is no more serious than a bad cold that is soon over and forgotten. With their misunderstanding of the Law’s place in the Christian’s life, they err greatly. The Law is a rule of life, not a means of justification. With this in mind, there is a way of hope—the way of pardon and peace—given in His Word.
Let us view this sin as a collision. Examining the sinful behavior that brought on the collision, we are able to see what has been done. Here we have a guide to God-glorifying behavior, the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20:3–17). They are a transcript of God’s holy, just, good, and spiritual will (Rom. 7:12–14). He who violates them offends the glorious majesty of God, which accounts for the sense of wretchedness that Paul experienced (see Rom. 7:24; 1 Tim. 1:15).
The root of sin is in the heart (Matt. 15:18–20; Gen. 6:5). No commandment stresses this more clearly than the ninth: “You shall not covet …” (Ex. 20:17; Rom. 7:7–11). It is safe to assume that the problem began here. Discontent with one’s mate (the thought, “I would be happier by myself or with something else”) lies at the root of the problem. This discontent and “itch” for someone else brings about a desire to end the marriage.
Secondly, have there been violations of the sixth commandment, “You shall not murder” (Ex. 20:13)? Jesus teaches that anger that may fall short of murder may express itself in words that wound the one who is on the receiving end and is sinful (Matt. 5:21–22; 12:36–37). Have there been any actions that were designed to inflict pain on the offended party that need repentance?
Was sexual immorality involved, which the seventh commandment prohibits (Ex. 20:14)? Here one exalts selfish desire over the wise and loving will of God for man’s well being in enjoyment of one’s mate (1 Cor. 7:2–5; Heb. 13:4). This is revolt against the living God.
Reflecting on the breaches of the commandments, it is evident that divorce, or the desire for such, removes from the throne “the One who is glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders,” the living and true God! In so doing, people violate the first commandment (Ex. 20:4). We have established “self” as the object to be loved and obeyed (Ex. 20:5–6).
Is there hope for pardon, peace, and a life of useful service for God in such cases? Yes there is, if one sees oneself as God sees him, if he looks to the God of the Bible. If he owns the sins that he has committed, “confesses and forsakes them,” he shall “find mercy” (Prov. 28:13). This is a painful task, for as one looks into God’s Word, he will find there his wickedness (Isa. 55:7), his weakness (Rom. 5:6), and his own wretchedness (Rom. 7:24). But as he searches God’s Word, he finds in God no cause for despair but hope. For God does not despise but prizes broken and contrite hearts (Ps. 51:17). There is forgiveness, mercy, and abundant redemption for those who cry unto Him out of the depths of their sins and misery (Ps. 130:1, 4, 7). One finds God ready to forgive, receive, and use (Pss. 32, 51, 130; 1 John 1:7, 9; 2:1–2).
It is important to recognize that the offender has obligations toward the ex-mate. The first is to seek forgiveness and biblical reconciliation. Jesus gave reconciliation with an offended brother precedence over worship (Matt. 5:23–24). Then, there may be others whose forgiveness needs to be sought: children, family members, friends, and church members. Every effort should be made to clean up the “clutter” that was strewn along the way by one rebelling against God.
Another aspect of reconciliation (and an evidence of repentance) is restitution. This principle is biblical (Ex. 22:1–4; Luke 19:8). One does not have to work long with those who are divorced to hear of bank accounts depleted and credit cards taken to the limit, leaving the offended party with the debt. Was the offended a housewife who needs job training or retraining before she is able to find employment?
For one seeking reconciliation, restitution is important. When Paul wrote to Philemon on behalf of Onesimus, he stated, “But if he has wronged you or owes anything, put that on my account. I, Paul, am writing with my own hand. I will repay …” (Philem. 18–19). Paul expected Philemon to forgive what Onesimus owed, but he recognized that it rested with Philemon whether or not he would accept repayment or remit the debt.
We see that illegitimate divorce is not an isolated sin. It is a complex matter which characterizes sinful behavior (2 Sam. 11–12). Such behavior patterns demand faith in God’s mercy and repentance that is evidenced in conduct changed by God’s transforming power. This power is put forth constantly as one looks not to self but unto the Lord in His Word (2 Cor. 3:18; Rom. 12:1–2). There, through Christ, he is enabled to do all things—even to be content with his lot.
