There are no his or her problems in marriage; there are one flesh problems - Rick Thomas
The other day I was trimming back some briars behind our fence in the backyard. I caught my arm on some of the briars.One of the thorns broke the skin and made a slight laceration on my arm. My arm was hurting. It began to bleed. The pain would not go away so I yelled at my arm.Anger was my way of “fixing” the problem. I became critical of my arm because it was messing up my day. If only my arm would cooperate and not hurt, then my day would have been much better.But it would not cooperate.It continued to hurt, and I continued to stew and sulk because of my un-cooperating and weak flesh.I then had this wild idea. I wondered what it would be like to not have this arm. Would I be better off? My mind began to drift to other arms–better arms, as I thought what life would be like with an arm that would conform to my preferences.At our church meeting on Sunday morning I caught myself looking around to see what other arms were available. I let my mind wander, and I wondered. I fantasized ever-so-briefly about life with another arm, though I knew it was a wish gone awry.At the end of the day, I was stuck with this old arm.
Key Idea: In this article I want to develop a twofold idea– (1) for you to see your spouse’s problem as your problem and (2) for you to actively and redemptively engage your spouse when he/she has a problem.
Here is a not so silly story
Bill and Mary have been married for eight years, and you’d only have to spend a couple of hours with them to know that things were not well in their marriage. They are like the man in the arm story, except what’s wrong with them is real and the stakes are much higher.
There is a disjointedness in their one flesh union. Neither of them understand how they are vitally connected and dependent upon the other person. They don’t seem to perceive how they are no longer two people, but one flesh.
There should be no dichotomy, schism, or fracture in their marriage.
- When you see Bill, you see Mary.
- When you see Mary, you see Bill.
- They are one flesh.
They are just as one as the man and his arm are one. They are just as one as the body of Christ and the head, who is Christ, are one.
Though there are many members in the body of Christ, we are all one in the body. There are no competing parts. We all are on the same mission, working the same plan, using our gifts according to how God gives them, while putting His name on display.
As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. – 1 Corinthians 12:20 (ESV)
Marriage is similar.
Though the husband and wife have different capacities, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and experiences, marriage is two people coming together to form one flesh for the glory of God.
The body should not say to the arm, “I have no need of you.” There should not be any division in the one flesh union. Marriage is not a competition, but an assimilation of two people who present a dynamic picture of Jesus Christ and His Church.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. – Ephesians 5:29-30 (ESV)
Competitors or friends?
This raises a few good questions for all of us who are married:
- Are you and your spouse competitors or friends (John 15:15)?
- Is your spouse your best friend? Explain.
- If not, how are you working to change the things that are wrong?
If part of your body is rejecting you or if you’re rejecting part of your body, you will die soon or, minimally, the rejecting part may have to be amputated. A body part not assimilating into the body is diseased.
Marriage is similar.
Spouses spend their entire lives blending into each other until they are totally, completely, and joyfully one flesh.
Becoming one flesh does not happen in an absolute sense the day of your wedding. Your wedding day is a good start, but it is only the beginning of an adventurous marathon.
On the wedding day you hear the starters gun. The race and all its obstacles and joys are still before you.
If you don’t understand this, then you will be setup for a lot of disappointment as you embark on your conjugal journey. I’ve seen this many times with married couples that I have counseled.
There are two main groups who miss this vital point of marriage.
The I didn’t know crowd
The “I didn’t know” crowd was never informed, trained, or discipled for marriage. They may have been in a thriving youth group, but that time was not spent getting them ready for the most important thing that they will ever do in their lives, outside of being saved.
Marriage is a picture of Christ and His church. Marriage is where they will spend most of their lives and most of their energy. Marriage is more important than parenting. If the marriage is not right, then the chances of the children being right is exponentially more difficult.
Too many of these married couples had parents who kept them preoccupied with other things. Sports and recitals dominated their teenage years, while little (if any) time was devoted to teaching them how to be what they were going to be as they grew older.
After the piano playing became a faded memory and their sport’s prowess was nothing more than a dusty trophy, they were in the throes of a long and arduous marriage that they were never equipped to resolve.
Other parents have the myopic-college-view as though college is an end all. Can I speak plainly here: I counsel more college graduates than any other demographic.
I have spent the last fifteen years of my life counseling a lot of couples who were educated and successful, but in miserable marriages. These couples did not know and were not prepared for marriage.
Here is what I hear over and over again,
I never knew. My dad never taught me these things and my church didn’t do it either. This is all new to me.I had no idea how to lead and shepherd my wife.The things you’re saying are foreign concepts. This is the first time in my life where someone took me aside and practically taught me what it means to bring the Gospel to bear in my marriage.
- What areas of your shepherding are weak and needs help? Will you ask for help?
- What areas of your role as a wife are weak and need help? Will you ask for help?
The I didn’t care crowd
Another people-group are the folks who don’t care about shepherding. Getting a wife is just one of the many “to-do’s” on their list of things to accomplish. For some of these people, getting married is better than being single, and that was their one and only goal.
The similarity between this group and the “I didn’t know” group is that neither group was envisioned for marriage. The former group was mostly ignorant and the latter group was mostly selfish. There is a slight difference.
Slight.
The uncaring man has the conquer and move on mindset. He got the girl he wanted, and now it’s time to add other things to his trophy collection. He finds a job and builds a world according to his dreams and aspirations.
He doesn’t give his wife a lot of thought unless he needs her to do something for him. He lives as though there will never be ongoing maintenance issues. His thoughts are mostly about himself, not considering his wife as a work-in-progress.
The wife mentally misfires by thinking he’s an adult too, thus she assumes what an adult should be. It does not dawn on her that he may have problems and is in need of her ongoing discipleship.
It’s easy for a wife to fall into the trap of not understanding her complete role in the marriage. It could be that she cared about the marriage during the early stage, but at some point her perseverance was weakened and she turned to her children as an escape from her broken marriage dream.
Marriage and the doctrine of sin
Both of these groups have a weak view of the doctrine of sin. They don’t see sin as a cancer that is always out to devour whomever it can tempt and lure (James 1:14-15). They not only misunderstand the nature of sin, but do not understand their complementary roles in marriage.
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. – 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV)
Christian marriage partners are co-inheritors of the gift of life. They are not competitors. They are constantly assessing, observing, caring, teaching, and uniquely complementing each other for the glory of God.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)
They understand the nature of sin and their complementary roles in their marriage. They see sin as their ever-encroaching adversary and the marriage as their God-given opportunity. This kind of discerning couple is considerate, aware, caring, and eager to disciple each other.
The husband does not assume everything is okay and ongoing maintenance is not needed. The same is true for the spouse. She is considerate of her husband’s weaknesses and eagerly seeks to speak into those weaknesses, knowing they are not competing with each other, but they are one flesh friends.
- Husband, name one area in which you’re willing to encourage and love your wife toward change?
- Wife, name one area in which you’re willing to encourage and love your husband toward change?
Mutually hurt – mutually rejoice
There are no “his and hers” in marriage. There is only one.
I watched my wife go through three miscarriages. They happened to her. It was her pain, her disappointment, her fear.
They were my miscarriages too.
I did not feel and hurt the way she did. I have no idea of the physical, mental, and emotional agony of a miscarriage–at least not the way she does.
But I hurt because she was hurting; I hurt because I lost something too. We are one flesh.
When my brother was murdered in 1997, my wife hurt with me. She did not hurt the way I did, but she hurt because her husband was hurting. We are not two people, acting independent of each other. We are one body.
Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. – Hebrews 13:3 (ESV)
- Do you hurt when your spouse is hurting?
- If not, what hinders you from entering into your spouse’s pain?
- What will it take for you to do for your spouse what Christ did for you (Matthew 18:33)?
- What is your biblical responsibility regarding your spouse’s sin?
When I sin–no matter what it is–my wife has a responsibility in that sin. She would never say,
“That’s Rick’s problem. That’s his sin.”
No, it’s our sin.
She is not guilty of my sin and she does not repent of my sin, but she has a role to play because she is me and I am her–we are one.
When I sin, she runs to my aid by calling me out and caring for me. She becomes my discipler in that moment. Just like when the briar cuts the arm, the rest of the body comes to the rescue.
Too many times when one marriage partner sins, the other acts like my silly story at the beginning of this piece. The wife acts as though she is not part of the body and it’s the husband’s problem.
This is the Job’s wife syndrome: The non-sinning spouse gets mad when her spouse sins (Job 2:9).
Ironically, (and biblically) this means that both of them are sinning. When two people respond sinfully to sin, they both are guilty before God and before each other. They both need to repent.
It’s like cursing your arm when it gets cut. That’s weird. That’s your body. You shouldn’t get mad at yourself when something happens to yourself.
Are you following my logic? It is biblical insanity to get mad at your spouse when he sins.
- Do you become sinfully angry at yourself when you sin?
- Do you become sinfully angry at your spouse when he/she sins?
When part of the body rejects another part of the body, then you’ve got a problem. You better call a doctor or, in this case, if you’re unwilling to repent, you better call your pastor or elder or small group leader or some other competent helper. You need help. There is something wrong with your body.
Are you a rescuer or an accuser?
Are you a rescuer and restorer, or are you a critic and condemner? You’ll never be more tested on this than when your spouse does something that really hurts you. Your spouse is and instrument the LORD uses to measure your Christian maturity.
This is also why Paul gave us a warning when he talked about (1) a person in sin and (2) a person who helps a person in sin. Take a look at these three verses and note how much time he spent talking to the helper rather than the person in sin.
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. – Galatians 6:1-3 (ESV)
Paul gives us seven words (underlined) regarding the person in sin. He gives us forty-seven words for the person who is supposed to help the person in sin. This is no small matter. We should read this like a warning.
- When your spouse sins, are you envisioned and ready to restore your spouse?
- Or, are you more apt to sin against your spouse, similar to my silly story at the beginning of this message?
If you don’t see your spouse’s problem as your problem and if you don’t actively become part of the solution, then your marriage will be heading to places where it cannot be recovered.
Paul warned the restorers to guard their hearts from this kind of self-deception, and if you do, you will fulfill the law of Christ, which in this verse means bearing one another’s burdens.
Call to action
- Are you a burden bearer for your spouse?
- What ways do you need to change in order to be a burden bearer?
- Will you write out those ways and talk to your spouse about how you need to change?
