What’s Allowed in Married Sex?

The sexual chaos of our times does not free us. It pressures us. It confronts us with questions we didn’t raise or even want. It claims to offer us ever-expanding options. But the truth is, our hyper-sexual culture robs us of the joy of our personal discoveries within the safety and integrity of Christian marriage.

Let’s rethink our married sexuality. Let’s throw off the complications that are claiming too much of us. Let’s go back to what our Lord would be glad to bless in our married sexual experience.

Here are four insights to consider.

1. Freedom

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov. 5:18).

The sage is advising his son about his wife and their married sex. He is encouraging his son to rejoice over his wife, savoring the endless refreshment of their sexual joy. “Let your fountain be blessed” is more than mere permission. It is a glad benediction.

The wonderful message here is a young couple’s freedom in sexual experience, experimentation, exploration. The whole tone of this wisdom for married sex is not confinement but a “Go for it” enthusiasm.

2. Sensitivity

“Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Pet. 3:7).

I am embarrassed at how oblivious I was toward my wife during our earlier years. But I am learning. I want to learn, as every Christian husband wants to learn, to live with my wife in an understanding way.

She deserves it. On our wedding night, we walked into a hotel room in Minneapolis. As I closed the door behind us, she trusted me. And the wonder of her love moves my heart with gratitude. What more could a wife do to honor her husband? And the point, for me, is obvious. I owe her. I owe her big time. I owe her every consideration, so that she feels understood, respected, listened to, honored, and happy.

All Christian husbands will want to keep asking sensitive questions like, “What is it like for my wife to be married to me? Is this a ‘win’ for both of us, or mainly for me alone? How can I understand better what a fabulous sex life can be for her?” Questions like these help us men grow in awareness, delicacy, respect—and satisfaction for her.

3. Agreement

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement” (1 Cor. 7:5).

In a Christian marriage, the default response to sexual overtures from one another is a cheerful, “Yes, of course.” But depriving one another—well, a lifestyle of deprivation sure isn’t why we got married! The reason a man and woman escalate from friendship to marriage is to share the totality of the one-flesh union, including sex (Gen. 2:24–25).

Gently saying “Not now, sweetheart” is an occasional exception—and that, in a spirit of mutual agreement. And saying “Oh, yes” is our continual desire, and that too by mutual agreement.

Nothing distasteful is allowable, and everything fun is allowable—by mutual agreement.

So, a Christian couple should talk it over. Why not discuss together what specifics in bed the husband would love to try out, and what specifics in bed the wife would love to try out? If your spouse has any reservations about any suggestion, that practice is off-limits. To force the issue is unthinkable. Married sex should be both explorable under God’s wide approval and limited by your spouse’s honest feelings. Nothing distasteful is allowable, and everything fun is allowable—by mutual agreement.

4. Exclusivity

“You shall not commit adultery” (Ex. 20:14).

On the one hand, the seventh commandment requires “conjugal love and cohabitation” (Westminster Larger Catechism #138). On the other hand, this commandment forbids even sexual thoughts about someone we aren’t married to (Matt. 5:27–28). Moreover, the Bible wisely counsels us that guarding our hearts is one of the keys to life (Prov. 4:23). Exclusive sexuality really matters—more than we might think.

Let’s never be so foolish, so unguarded, as to think that looking at porn might turbocharge our experience of sex. Sewage cannot add zest to our enjoyment of a meal. How can porn add anything but a bitter aftertaste? It is, by its very nature, oppressive and degrading.

Sewage cannot add zest to our enjoyment of a meal. How can porn add anything but a bitter aftertaste? It is oppressive and degrading.

Christian husband, Christian wife, keep yourselves for one another alone (Prov. 5:15–17). If you will direct your sexual energies to one another exclusively, looking to the Lord for his blessing, your focused devotion will intensify your shared experience, and you will enjoy great lovemaking. It will be all your own, by his grace, for his glory.

Blessed freedom, tender sensitivity, respectful agreement, devoted exclusivity—who couldn’t flourish sexually in a marriage like that?

Editors’ note: 

The Death of Porn: Men of Integrity Building a World of Nobility by Ray Ortlund (Crossway, Sept. 2021) seeks to help men to come together to fight the injustice of porn.

Ray Ortlund