Dr Paul Allen

The sexual chaos of our times does not free us. It pressures us. It confronts us with questions we didn’t raise or even want. It claims to offer us ever-expanding options. But the truth is, our hyper-sexual culture robs us of the joy of our personal discoveries within the safety and integrity of Christian marriage. Let’s rethink our married sexuality. Let’s throw off the complications that are claiming too much of us. Let’s go back to what our Lord would be glad to bless in our married sexual experience. Here are four insights to consider. 1. Freedom “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov. 5:18). The sage is advising his son about his wife and their married sex. He is encouraging his son to rejoice over his wife, savoring the endless refreshment of their sexual joy. “Let your fountain be blessed” is more than mere permission. It is a glad benediction. The wonderful message here is a young couple’s freedom in sexual experience, experimentation, expl...

Joshua Harris, the author of the Christian self-help bestseller I Kissed Dating Goodbye, recently announced that he is both divorcing his wife and no longer considers himself a Christian, in the process apologizing to “the LGBTQ+ community” for having previously espoused a traditional Christian sexual ethic.  The book’s publishers bill I Kissed Dating Goodbye as presenting a “call to sincere love, real purity, and purposeful singleness” while providing “solid, biblical alternatives to society's norm.” In the book, Harris advocated a more courtship-like model of forming relationships, including greater involvement of both partner’s parents and getting to know potential spouses in group settings. Harris has come under fire over the years for several aspects of the book, and in a statement on his website says he no longer stands by everything he wrote. “I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most ...

Author: Jonathon Holmes. One problem that biblical counselors will surely face in their counseling and everyday conversations, regardless of gender, is the addiction and enslavement to pornography . It is not uncommon to hear and meet counselees whose first introduction to pornography happened in their pre-adolescent years of 7-12. With a problem so prevalent and pervasive in the church, numerous books and articles have been written on the topic. How can biblical counselors contribute to this conversation? Biblical Counseling Coalition (BCC) member and Association of Certified Biblical Counselor’s Executive Director , Heath Lambert recently authored a book entitled, Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace which has ably defined and elucidated a gospel-centered approach to fighting the sin of pornography. Additionally, a helpful list of resources has been gathered on the BCC website to equip biblical counselors on this topic as well. Something I have found persona...

Peep show window displaying pornographic entertainment at Cherries on St. Mark's Place in New York City. (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) Author: John Jalsevac . It was in the mid 90s that we began to hear a whole lot about this new thing called “the Internet ,” which could answer all of mankind’s deepest questions. At around the same time I hit puberty and began to spend my time moping about pondering the age-old riddle of what, exactly, women look like underneath their clothing. Evidently at some point I put two and two together and punched the appropriate keywords into the prehistoric version of Google , with spectacular results. So far so good, and if it had stopped there, the experiment might have been innocent enough. But there was a catch. Like most who have played the peeping Tom with porn, I found that my curiosity wasn’t satisfied. On the contrary. I had only learned what this woman looked like. But what about all the others? Obviously I needed to see a few more examples. ...

Premarital Sex in America by Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker and was pleasantly surprised at some of the insights. While I have been writing, teaching, and speaking for years to both teens and adults on the issue of premarital sex, this book opened my eyes to some of the more important trends emerging today.  The empirical data suggests that these are not true most of the time. There are exceptions, of course. MYTH 1: Long-term relationships are a thing of the past Many emerging adults (ages 18-23) tend to hold two views in tension—that sexual experimentation is valuable and yet one should not cheat on a monogamous partner. Indeed, many consider it stupid and unhealthy not to be sexually active in various relational settings. And yet most desire a lasting exclusive relationship. According to the research of Regnerus and Uecker, at least 50 percent of marriages last a lifetime, despite what most emerging adults tend to think. MYTH 2: Sex is necessary to maintain a struggling re...

2010 research study published in the Journal of Family Psychology that found couples who delay sex until after marriage actually improve their marriages. The study surveyed 2,035 married couples and asked them about their initial sexual experience together (before or after the wedding). Of the 2,035 couples, only 336 couples reported waiting until they got married to have sex. The largest group of couples had sex within a few weeks of dating, and 126 couples had sex prior to dating. Examining the data, the three researchers concluded that waiting to have sex until after marriage actually improved the relationship — for both men and women — in four key areas: 1. Sexual quality 2. Relationship communication 3. Relationship satisfaction 4. Perceived relationship stability According to the study, people who waited until marriage rated sexual quality 15 percent higher than people who had premarital sex ; rated relationship stability 22 percent higher; and rated satisfaction with their ...

Heterosexual-flag-idea (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) When it comes to sexuality, we Christians are mostly known for what we’re against, instead of what we’re for. For instance, how many times have you heard or read something like this: “All you Christians care about is bashing homosexuals.” Or, perhaps, “All you Christians want to do is impose your morality on other people.” Usually, of course, the morality being referred to is sexual morality . Even the phrase “sexual morality” has a negative feel to it these days. Why is that? I would argue that we Christians have not done a good enough job in describing — and, sadly, living out — a positive vision for human sexuality . It is true that in our overly sexualized culture, there’s plenty to protest: pornography, sleazy advertising, explicit song lyrics, TV shows that glamorize infidelity of every kind. We would be less than Christian if we remained silent. So, we speak out against sexual sin. Got it. But what alternative do we off...

Image via Wikipedia Once more, you find yourself looking where you ought not. And this you have willfully done. Yes, you've begged God to remove this blight, these gross desires. You even made some headway. But you've gone off and done it again.  Forget confession, God doesn't want to hear that same old prayer, especially not when you know you'll be breaking your commitment before long. On the other hand, maybe God doesn't care that much about all this. After all, He made you; He knows your natural desires, He knows what you need. Why would He make you this way and get all worked up when you act on it? It's not that big of a deal; He doesn't think you need to confess. Well, you couldn't be further from the truth - on both counts. Marriage is under attack. It is under attack from all sides, not least from within. Our failure to recognize that life is not about being happy but about bringing glory to our God, leads even us Christians to botch marriag...

Image via Wikipedia We, as a culture may think when we take our pants off with someone not our spouse, as long as everyone is there voluntarily, the worst thing that can happen is that God might get miffed at us. And He, of course, is rather famous for having a rather forgiving nature. Six innocent men went to their death at Ai because a different man, Achan , took for himself booty from Jericho .  Who would know, I suspect, Achan wondered. Why would we think sexual immorality is any different? "Husbands and wives stray. What's the big deal? Happens all the time. " It does indeed happen all the time. And when it does bombs explode in the homes of little children. Hearts are scarred. Fear replaces the departing spouse. These children grow up thinking the deepest betrayal possible to be normal, acceptable, just a part of life. That there is nothing they can depend on. They grow up believing that mommy, or daddy loved their sexual appetites more than they loved them. An...

Recent research indicates that porn use can cause sexual dysfunction by numbing the body’s response to normal sexual pleasure, according to a report published in  Psychology Today . The report was authored by Marnia Robinson, and originally published in “ Cupid ’s Poisoned Arrow: Biology Has Plans for Your Love Life,” a book Robinson co-authored with her husband, Dr. Gary Wilson.  Marnia Robinson, co-author of “Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: Biology Has Plans for Your Love Life.” Robinson explains that the brain can become desensitized to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that activates the body’s reaction to sexual pleasure, through the kind of over-stimulation readily available via the internet’s porn culture. The result is that users fall into a chemical dependency , requiring larger doses to achieve the same effect. This phenomenon drives the market for “extreme genres” of porn and decreases an addict’s ability to respond to real life sexual encounters. “It’s all free, easy to a...

Image via Wikipedia Pornography is wrong. There’s no debate. In fact, many non- Christians are against pornography . It’s not just a religious issue, it’s a cultural one, as well. Many of the “reasons” listed against pornography are focused on the negatives. Now, as much as you may think: Who needs a reason? Isn’t one enough? It should be, but many statistics surveying the Church say otherwise. In fact, a great deal of you reading this post right now, have viewed pornography within the last 6-months. As the Church struggles to be less about rule making and focusing on what Christians are  not  suppose to be doing, let me present to you a list of 40  positive  reasons to avoid pornography: I fully enjoy the pleasure of my love relationship with Christ . I fulfill my true identity as a child of God . I experience God’s provision of empowering grace. I enjoy my freedom in Christ to its fullest. I avoid a life-pattern of decept...