Why did the Christian chicken cross the road?

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Theologians and some significant others explain why the chicken crossed the road 

Greg Boyd: It's a possibility that the chicken crossed the road.

Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.

Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed because of the rooster's leadership.

Rachel Held Evans: We're talking about chickens here, not pigs.

Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.

John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory.

Irenaeus: The glory of God is the chicken fully alive.

C.S. Lewis: If a chicken finds itself with a desire that nothing on this side can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that it was created for the other side.

Billy Graham: The chicken was surrendering all.

Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.

Universalist: All chickens cross the road. 

Annihilationist: The chicken was hit by a car and ceased to exist. 

Fred Phelps: God hates chickens.

Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome.

Tim LaHaye: The chicken didn't want to be left behind.

Harold Camping: Don't count your chickens until they've hatched.

James White: I reject chicken centered eisegesis.

John Wesley: The chicken's heart was strangely warmed.

Thomas: I won't believe the chicken crossed unless I see it with my own eyes.

Philip: The chicken teleported to the other side.

Rob Bell: The chicken. Crossed the road. To get. Cool glasses.

Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so that he could be all that God created him to be.

Creflo Dollar: God told the chicken that if he clucked, “That land across the road is mine!,” he could claim it. He crossed the road to take possession.

Roger Olson: The chicken recognizes no clear evangelical boundaries.

Peter: What chicken? What road? Never knew a chicken!! (rooster crows)

Ezekiel: God revived those chicken bones and then they crossed the road.

Paul: The chicken went to sleep and fell out the window only to be able to cross the road

TD Jakes: A manifestation of the Chicken crossed the road for his blessings.

Mark Driscoll: A “bleeping” chicken crossed the road to go get a beer.

Jim Wallis: The poor chicken was fleeing fundamentalists.

Gary Demar: The chicken was fleeing the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70. That’s it.

Jim Wallis: The chicken is an organizer for Occupy Barnyard.

Emergent: For this chicken, its not the destination that’s important. Its the journey itself.

Christian Pacifist: This is clearly an act of barnyard aggression that is condemned in the Sermon on the Mount.

N.T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.

Mohler: When a chicken begins to think theologically, he has no other alternative but to come over to the Calvinist side.

Bill Gaither: The chicken obviously saw something beautiful, something good, on the other side of the road.

Freud: This whole exercise is obviously driven by chicken envy

Stanley J Grenz: Chicken crossed the road to find God in Community. The answer to everything is "community".

Leonard Ravenhill: The chicken didn't cross the road, because it Tarried for Revival.

Marcus J Borg: The chicken is taking the road seriously -- but not literally.

Brian Houston: because the chicken loves the local church!

Ben' Withering: we must look at the chicken's socio-rhetorical context before we presume to psychoanalyse it.

Liberal theologians are still examining the texts to find The Real Chicken."
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