What to do when your friend no longer walks with God
For some, this will, no doubt, come across as the worst of Christian offenses. “How can you judge someone else’s faith?” they may ask. And our answer is simple: because the Bible says we should (Matthew 7:15–20). Fruitless trees are cut down.
What, then, are we to do when our lives regularly intersect with those who claim to be for Christ or who were once followers of Christ and yet whose lives plainly don’t bear the fruit?
1. Examine yourself first.
We cannot divorce verses 15–20 of Matthew 7 from verses 1–5, which teach that we should be quick to get the log out of our own eye before turning to note the speck in our neighbor’s (Matthew 7:1–5). If we see a lack of Christlikeness in someone else, let it first be a reminder of what may be missing in our own lives. The charges in Scripture to put to death our sin (Colossians 3:5–9; Galatians 5:19–21) are meant to be applied to our lives first, and then to our neighbor or friend. Let us be even more busy, killing the sin in our lives than we are pointing it out in others.
We cannot divorce verses 15–20 of Matthew 7 from verses 1–5, which teach that we should be quick to get the log out of our own eye before turning to note the speck in our neighbor’s (Matthew 7:1–5). If we see a lack of Christlikeness in someone else, let it first be a reminder of what may be missing in our own lives. The charges in Scripture to put to death our sin (Colossians 3:5–9; Galatians 5:19–21) are meant to be applied to our lives first, and then to our neighbor or friend. Let us be even more busy, killing the sin in our lives than we are pointing it out in others.
2. Check your motivation.
We should keep a careful eye on our motivation for making such a judgment. All too often, my desire to point out some else’s lack of Christlikeness, sinful lifestyle can be a thinly veiled attempt at control or even self-righteousness.
We often demand that those whose faith we question be more like Christ than we ourselves are willing to be. Therefore, we must ask ourselves: Is this for God’s sake or my own?
We should keep a careful eye on our motivation for making such a judgment. All too often, my desire to point out some else’s lack of Christlikeness, sinful lifestyle can be a thinly veiled attempt at control or even self-righteousness.
We often demand that those whose faith we question be more like Christ than we ourselves are willing to be. Therefore, we must ask ourselves: Is this for God’s sake or my own?
3. Display the love of Christ, instead of only demanding it.
We must be willing to display both Christ’s grace and holiness in our lives, being honest and vulnerable about our own sin — its odiousness, its stubbornness, its power, and its ugly blinding seduction. Maintain the phone calls, use wisdom until you sense the nudge of the Holy Spirit to speak. They may not pick up or even hang up unable to face you. But when given the opportunity, even then, speak with grace and mercy.
We must be willing to display both Christ’s grace and holiness in our lives, being honest and vulnerable about our own sin — its odiousness, its stubbornness, its power, and its ugly blinding seduction. Maintain the phone calls, use wisdom until you sense the nudge of the Holy Spirit to speak. They may not pick up or even hang up unable to face you. But when given the opportunity, even then, speak with grace and mercy.
This can be incredibly difficult when we are talking with someone who casually confesses the crown of Christ or rattles off Christian theological words. If they are not genuinely wrestling with sin or being regularly refreshed by his grace, then we should not be surprised when our struggle seems either insignificant or incredible to them.
Nonetheless, it is by being honest and letting them see our love of Christ, our joy in him, our frustration with sin, and our struggle to apply God’s word that they can begin to sense that something may be out of kilter in their own walk. If they are not yet blinded by sin or stubborn and stop blaming others for their self-inflicted lifestyle
Nonetheless, it is by being honest and letting them see our love of Christ, our joy in him, our frustration with sin, and our struggle to apply God’s word that they can begin to sense that something may be out of kilter in their own walk. If they are not yet blinded by sin or stubborn and stop blaming others for their self-inflicted lifestyle
4. Remain patient.
We should be willing to be in it for the long haul. It’s rare to see immediate change; it usually happens over years, not a single evening. In the normal course of relationships, we have multiple opportunities to close doors and walk away. We are sinners in community with sinners. We hurt each other, and unfortunately, we do it regularly. But just as Christ has loved us and does not give up on us (Philippians 1:6), neither should we give up on our brother or sister. After 7-10 years you may feel to walk away...but don't. Allow God to refresh you and give wisdom.
Paul tells us that a little leaven leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:9) and that bad company ruins good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33), so if we have a hunch that someone who professes to be Christian is deceiving themselves, should we not walk away? What if they are dying?
Gross sin, however, is not the same as a lack of fruit. If someone claims to be a Christian, but continues in blatant, unrepentant sin, then you may need to walk away, in some sense, in order that you would not be caught up in it (Galatians 6:1; 2 Timothy 3:5–6), or give the impression that you condone it. If you're prepared to weather both, and the person dies in that state, it is now in God's hands. Their works will go through the fire. God's hand is stronger than our sin.
Paul tells us that a little leaven leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:9) and that bad company ruins good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33), so if we have a hunch that someone who professes to be Christian is deceiving themselves, should we not walk away? What if they are dying?
Gross sin, however, is not the same as a lack of fruit. If someone claims to be a Christian, but continues in blatant, unrepentant sin, then you may need to walk away, in some sense, in order that you would not be caught up in it (Galatians 6:1; 2 Timothy 3:5–6), or give the impression that you condone it. If you're prepared to weather both, and the person dies in that state, it is now in God's hands. Their works will go through the fire. God's hand is stronger than our sin.
Similarly, if the person is obstinately divisive, you may have to distance yourself as well (Titus 3:10–11). But in general, we are called to be examples of light to darkness (Matthew 5:14–16; 1 Peter 2:9), and perhaps few need it more than those who can’t tell the difference.
5. Commit your time with them to Scripture, prayer, and worship.
We must be willing to help point them to their need of Christ’s grace and holiness in their life. There may be A little-to-no appetite for things of a spiritual nature, or what appetite there is may not have its anchor in Christ and may border on new age or positive thinking depending who surrounds this person and who they are seeking to please.
We must be willing to help point them to their need of Christ’s grace and holiness in their life. There may be A little-to-no appetite for things of a spiritual nature, or what appetite there is may not have its anchor in Christ and may border on new age or positive thinking depending who surrounds this person and who they are seeking to please.
Therefore, it can become easy to let the Spiritual things slide in the name of comfort, convenience, or kindness. But what they need most can only be found in one place, God’s word. No tightly argued apologetic or perfectly choreographed “gotcha!” moment can trump the effect of time in Scripture.
We must be willing to pray God’s word with them, as most are open to prayer but may resist and further call to worship. It is by finding engaging opportunities to set them in Scripture that the gospel can do its dual work of comfort and conviction.
We must be willing to pray God’s word with them, as most are open to prayer but may resist and further call to worship. It is by finding engaging opportunities to set them in Scripture that the gospel can do its dual work of comfort and conviction.
6. Winsomely point out their weaknesses.
We must be willing to winsomely point out where fruit seems lacking. There are those that will be all too willing to call a loved one out for their lack of genuine trust in Christ. Conversely, there are those that would rather be tortured than cause a loved one to feel uncomfortable. But we are called to be those who walk the middle ground — lovingly and honestly highlighting areas in our loved ones lives where we see a consistent lack of Christian behavior. We must choose our words very carefully; it is one thing for the gospel to offend, and another entirely for us to do so. The Holy Spirit will provide that opportunity, wait for it.
If the person seems uninterested in listening, or justifies their position, do not give up (remain patient), but be willing to even get outside counsel. It may be that there is something about your relationship that makes it hard for them to repent, turn around, show the fruit of the Spirit, even though it is evident elsewhere. If someone else does corroborate your suspicion, then take that person with you to talk. Sometimes it takes the witness of two or more to convince someone that there is a genuine problem. But be careful to toe the line between asking for help and engaging in gossip. It is even possible, without you knowing that people have already approached the person and it has been politely rejected and or calls not returned, not willing to face accountability.
We must be willing to winsomely point out where fruit seems lacking. There are those that will be all too willing to call a loved one out for their lack of genuine trust in Christ. Conversely, there are those that would rather be tortured than cause a loved one to feel uncomfortable. But we are called to be those who walk the middle ground — lovingly and honestly highlighting areas in our loved ones lives where we see a consistent lack of Christian behavior. We must choose our words very carefully; it is one thing for the gospel to offend, and another entirely for us to do so. The Holy Spirit will provide that opportunity, wait for it.
If the person seems uninterested in listening, or justifies their position, do not give up (remain patient), but be willing to even get outside counsel. It may be that there is something about your relationship that makes it hard for them to repent, turn around, show the fruit of the Spirit, even though it is evident elsewhere. If someone else does corroborate your suspicion, then take that person with you to talk. Sometimes it takes the witness of two or more to convince someone that there is a genuine problem. But be careful to toe the line between asking for help and engaging in gossip. It is even possible, without you knowing that people have already approached the person and it has been politely rejected and or calls not returned, not willing to face accountability.
From Death to Life
It can be difficult to “evangelize” those that think they need it least. Convincing someone raised in the church, been a pastor, community leader, that they are lost is often even harder than getting someone saved. Fear of the awkwardness, hurt feelings, and possible long-term relational ramifications can keep us from sharing our faith with those who seem comfortably stagnant even rebellious in theirs.
But if we are those that are captivated by the beauty of God’s work and character, willing to be honest about its effect in our lives, and willing to make a commitment to get in God’s word as often and as deeply as possible, we may get to see something of the gospel vividly displayed before us, as what once seemed lifeless beautifully blossoms to life. Grace triumphs over judgement.
It can be difficult to “evangelize” those that think they need it least. Convincing someone raised in the church, been a pastor, community leader, that they are lost is often even harder than getting someone saved. Fear of the awkwardness, hurt feelings, and possible long-term relational ramifications can keep us from sharing our faith with those who seem comfortably stagnant even rebellious in theirs.
But if we are those that are captivated by the beauty of God’s work and character, willing to be honest about its effect in our lives, and willing to make a commitment to get in God’s word as often and as deeply as possible, we may get to see something of the gospel vividly displayed before us, as what once seemed lifeless beautifully blossoms to life. Grace triumphs over judgement.
